Really Being with Babies

"Babies have a marvelous affect on us.  They enchant us.  They touch us very profoundly....  And yet... many times it happens that in the important moments of being together we do not really pay attention to them, because we are preoccupied with the tasks relating to them: putting on their shirts, wiping their bottoms, adjusting their diapers.  We touch them, move them around, and sometimes fail to notice the expectation in their gaze as they look at us." 

This view is expressed by Anna Tardos from the Pikler Institute in Budapest, Hungary, in her Exchange article, "Being with Babies."   She continues...

"We don’t think about how happy they would be ‘to help’ if we had a discussion with them in the meantime, and if we told them what we were up to:

"'Now, I am going to take off your diaper to see if there is anything in it.  I am going to wipe your skin, lift your bottom.  Will you allow me to do that?  Now, I am going to put this coat on you.  You see how pretty it is?  Your grandmother made it for you.  First I am pulling up on one arm, then the other.  I have to lift you up a little bit.  It’s not very easy, but we have made it.'

"Would they help?  Yes.  The baby would pay attention to what we are doing, would relax his arms, and, at the age of only a few months, he would reach his arms towards us when we show him the shirt.  A real conversation can be formed this way between the adult and the baby.  In this way, the hasty and careless movements that often cast a shadow on the joint activity during times spent together could be avoided: legs lifted too high, too swiftly being turned on the side, the baby’s arm getting stuck in the sleeve, or legs stuck in the zippered (not very practical) overalls.  This can be a very unpleasant experience for the baby.  And it also happens that, instead of a rich and meaningful dialogue realized in the course of the pleasure of being together, the adult must dress a crying and protesting baby.  At this time, the adult would try to calm the baby down: 'I can see that you are tired.  Alright, I am going to hurry, and we’re going to be done real soon.'  Meanwhile, the movements become even faster, and quite often overhasty, thus even more unpleasant for the child.  It’s a shame.  Why?  Because the activity of getting dressed or changed, repeated several times a day, can also be a joyful encounter of being together!"

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