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Love is Not Enough
September 24, 2011
The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
-Alvin Toffler
-Alvin Toffler
In the preface to his book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (The Gottman Institute), Dr. John Gottman observes...
“Much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion. Instead it relies on child-rearing theories that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior. The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents hope for much more for their children. They want their children to be moral and responsible people who contribute to society, who have the strength to make their own choices in life, who enjoy accomplishments of their own talents, who enjoy life and the pleasures it can offer, who have good relationships with friends and successful marriages, and who themselves become good parents.
“In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. We found that concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their emotions and their children’s emotions that got in the way of talking to their children when the child was sad or afraid or angry. The secret to being an emotionally intelligent parent lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot."
Exchange has packaged six of its parenting resources into a single Parenting Tool Kit and is offering the entire set at a 33% discount — separately these resources would cost $184, but we are offering the entire Parenting Tool Kit for only $126. The kit includes these great Exchange resources...
The following Books/CDs:
- The Top Ten Preschool Parenting Problems
- How Does it Feel?
- Parent Relations: Building an Active Partnership
- The Complete Parenting Exchange Library
The following Beginnings Workshops:
- Parent Conferences
- Parent Involvement
- Environments With Families in Mind
- Meeting the Needs of Today's Families
The following Out of the Box Kits:
- Family Conferencing: Asking and Listening
- Making Families Welcome
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Comments (3)
Displaying All 3 CommentsLone Pine, CA, United States
I think seeing Dr. Dobson's name on the quote of the day prompted this reply. Dr. Gottman is absolutely correct that a warm, concerned and involved parent with feelings of "love" is not enough.
In the New Testament, one word often translated "love" in English is 'agape.' Agape is often translated: the giving of oneself for the benefit of another.
When the word is translated that way, it clearly distinguishes 'love' from the way we use the same word when we say, "I love french fries with ranch dressing" or when we say, "I love my new shoes."
If we love our children (both the ones we teach as well as the ones in our family) with agape love, we will be there for them in the sad, afraid, angry, emotionally hot times.
We will want what is best for them, which is to acknowlege the validity of their feelings, help them put words to their feelings if necessary, and help them learn to deal with anger, fear, sadness and other hot emotions in productive ways.
Giving of ourselves, we will take time to really listen without distractions. We will look for what benefits them by helping them learn or practice conflict resolution, stress and anger management.
That's the kind of love, active and a choice of will, not depending our our "feelings" at the time that will be "enough."
United States
Emotional development is at the heart of teaching...our profession has known this for decades and now brain development research supports what we've held true.
Thank you for this thoughtful article.
You will likely find responses deeply divided over the use of a quote from James Dobson, who is a highly political figure with controversial views regarding children. Dobson is a strong advocate of spanking, and an outspoken critic of gay and lesbian parents. I am saddened to see Exchange use his words, no matter how benign they seem at first glance.
Regards,
Julie
Creedmoor Road Baptist Preschool
United States
I am so pleased that you wrote about this subject and also the fact that you used such a great resource in Dr. Dobson.
In Christ,
Cindy Cadwell
Creedmoor Road Baptist PReschool
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