ExchangeEveryDay Past Issues

Why is it that we get offended so easily? Rather than receiving information, examining it, reflecting on it, and deciding what is useful and what is not -- we immediately go into a defensive mode. Why is fight or flight our first response?

The advice from Mary-Ellen Drummond in the Exchange article dated Tuesday, January 27th was indeed, as you said in your article dated Friday, February 6th, "offensive to both women and men." (Men don't hear anything we say for the first seven seconds because they are busy checking us out? What?)

But your way of acknowledging it - by presenting another set of ludicrous tips about how to communicate as a woman (Take up less space? Seriously? How long have we been hearing this?! How is this different from "girls should be seen and not heard"?) from a less-than-credible source - is disappointing. Your failure to apologize for including these offensive remarks in your email in the first place is unacceptable.

I preferred the first article. There is nothing offensive about effectively communicating your message. One can be kind and nurturing and still be a good communicator. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Rather than focus so adamantly on the obvious gender differences in style here, I think it is far more productive to remember that what we are trying to accomplish is to be heard. Distasteful as it may be, there are times when we find ourselves a minority of one in a culture that does not accept the rules of communication that we, as women, may prefer to use. In those situations, you have a choice. You can either adapt your rules to accomplish your mission, or do more of what clearly doesn't work. Providing that does not require behaving unprofessionally, anyone who doesn't choose to adapt is not as committed to their objective as they are to their own security. Like it or not, no one can make a difference until they are accepted and respected by the group within which they must work - and learning how to accomplish that in different environments from those that have been there is tutelage that we should all be willing to accept.

I too found the previous article on women's communication offensive. This was a much more positive way of putting it; since when do we women want to communicate like men? Let's build on our strengths as nurturers and communicators and not follow the male model of dominance and competitiveness.